Day 32 of Year 26
So, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, we will chalk day 30 and day 31 as Ls. I was unable to post because on both days I ran out of time. I do not think it was a misuse of my time, but instead a combination of sleeping late and running through my daily routine behind schedule. Last night I would have had time to blog, but opted in for dinner with some fellow Canadians instead.
More life right.
When I first left Amsterdam, I thought I was going to slow down, lay around, and overall just drift for a bit.
I thought to myself, ‘wow, think about all the free time I am going to have.’ What would that look like for me? What would now fill my days? Would I feed birds? lay in parks? Play chess with strangers? Read books? Just random stuff.
However, I realized early into the first month, that is not me. When I think of free time, it makes me very anxious. I need to stay busy because I need to feel like I am working towards something. It does not even matter what it is, as long as I feel I am being productive. If I am not on a task I feel like I am wasting time. Wasted time is no good.
I am finding free falling to be a challenging concept. I need to have responsibility/tasks.
I need purpose.
I think that was also a huge motivation for creating this blog. Since I was leaving structure, I needed to create a new focus for myself.
Fitness is a constant, but I needed something else/more.
Now, I find myself rushing through my days eating, training, blogging, and hydrating before embarking on the nightly festivities. I tell myself as long as I maintain my self-constructed tasks and health, I am able to indulge in the current lifestyle. That is the agreement I have made with myself.
Now that I am not physically working in the gyms, I am beginning to understand how much time is actually associated with training and eating healthy. Before, it was easy, because I was completely immersed in that realm. Now, I have to manage it, with living a life not beside dumbbells all day. I suppose I can see how it can get challenging to juggle fit life with normal life.
So, even though I am not ‘busy’ on paper anymore, I am arguably just as busy. However, I am busy finding new ways to be busy. Prior to this, I felt guilty for being busy. Now, I understand its necessity for me.
Just think about how much more time I am going to have to creatively fill when I start going to bed before 0500 every night.
TLDR I do not do well with quiet time.