Day 13 of Year 26
“Are you happy?”
This is a tough question for me to answer.
To say yes would suggest I am content with what I have accomplished, or that it is good enough for me. That I am satisfied and do not need to go further. That I have won.
To say no would suggest I am sad or depressed. That I am unable to resolve or move past some sort of obstacle, whether it be real or constructed in my mind. That I have become stuck. Or, that I might need help.
I feel neither one of these answers relate to me.
I think there are moments of heightened euphoria equally matched with moments of great sadness. I feel I need to continually experience both to appreciate my journey. I cannot have one without the other. Nor, would I want to.
I do not think I am happy because I do not feel I am ready to concede to the idea that I have made it. That this is life. That it is okay to settle in for the long night. I am not ready for that.
I am not suggesting I should be miserable – I have much joy. However, I know I make decisions that deliberately cause myself pain. That maybe separates me from the majority – or maybe it does not. I will put myself into sadness in hopes for joy later on.
For example, there are relationships I deliberately self-detonated despite the fact they were great, and I was ‘happy’. The reason why I think I would do this is because when looking down the crystal ball later in life I would see little her’s and I’s running around the white picket fence. While the final chapters to those pages looked great, I just did not know. Was this it? Maybe I do not want a white fence. Definitely little her’s and I’s, but the fence? Is it black, is it white? Is the backdrop mountains, is it flatlands? Who knows – and since I do not, then I should not waste anyone’s time. I needed to grow more first. Insert the self-infliction of pain.
I would say, it is very hard to end something with someone without having a reason. Actually, maybe makes you look a little insane. Why sabotage ‘happy’? I think I would do this because I did not think it fair to keep someone from maybe having their great life if I knew I had to go at some point. I am not saying it is logically sound, just how I felt about it.
Put some nostalgia in there too while we are at it. Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram – the ultimate nostalgia stabs. However, I think those are also necessary. To remind you things were what they were. Maybe, even a bit better then they were – romanticising the past.
I think we all need to experience pain, and suffering. It is the natural order of things. It cannot only be wins everyday.
The idea that life can always be positive is a failed idea because it is not possible, and if considered, will breed even more pain that necessary. My mindset is that the goal should not be to refrain from pain/sadness, but instead experience it in stride to move forward back into the joy. Time wasted is never returned. Doing the unpleasant things, or uncomfortable things sooner, frees more time for the good.
Either way, life does not care about how we feel. So we might as well keep going forward. It is really the only direction to go.
Ultimately, I know I will claim my happiness one day. That is why I am pushing myself out of the life I have lived. That is why I am questioning more, and searching self-reflectively into unknown, despite how I feel at any given moment.
It is all fuel.